Feeling Down

Yup. Feeling down, sorry for myself, and just plain old tired. It has been a helluva year. Trey was deployed (again)...and I am proud to say that I survived. I forget to pat myself on the back for some of these things. Instead I like to focus on all the help I had and the things that I could have done better. Why so hard on myself? Not sure. Age old question, and one that I plan on tackling real soon.

Is my current mood because we have relocated again? This time to Annapolis, MD. Another move. Another ball of emotions - leaving loved ones and friends behind, and the stress of making new contacts and a support system in our new home community. Honestly seems like the "home" word is really the ultimate thing in question. Am I doing a good enough job of creating a "home", as mobile as it may be, for my kiddos. If I didn't have to worry about the decisions of normal life (which school for kids to go to, where to live, associating and becoming part of our temporary community) over and over again would I spend more or less time on worrying about the bigger things.

And, although Trey is currently physically here and in his dream job which makes him figuratively not "here", I really feel like I am doing it alone making the decisions all the more mine...and with that the feelings of responsibility and guilt.

Feeling so wrong about my decisions to take Cole in for evaluation. We have gone through so many doctors and not a one is definitive about him. Who knew medicine was an art form? I think he just may be a normal 7 year old boy with an attitude and demeanor thrust upon him by his genetic coding. We now know he doesn't have AS (today), now the news is ADHD...I don't know. New pediatrician wants another evaluation. So tired. Tired more for Cole. Really, more testing? Again, no problems ever noted at school. Is this all me? I just want him to be happy and carefree. Hmmmm...??? Carefree might be a stretch...again, because of his genetic make up. Case in point.

I'm tired. I feel like I can't do anything good...maintaining friendships, parenting, partnering.

I need to take a step back and really look at the positive. Focus. Appreciate. Be thankful.

Help.

Oh yes, and it is hardly helpful for my feelings of inadequacy to be surrounded by mothers that home school. Did I miss the boat on this one?

Boojiboo Flirty Apron GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

Boojiboo Flirty Apron GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

Such a throw back...love this!

Time Keeps Marching

Cole graduated from Kindergarten today. Watching him perform his songs up on stage reminded my how much he resembles his father: same mannerisms, same gait, same "fidgety staring off into space" type of attitude. They are so similar, and I think both are ready for a good old daddy and son reunion. Still counting down the days until Trey's homecoming, but today reminds me to stop and smell the roses. Cole has grown so much, and I don't want to under appreciate any of my precious time with my children. Congratulations my little boy.

My Pink Satin Sheets

I am eagerly counting down the days to Trey's arrival. We are finally at a point where the goons and I can bear to make a count down chain now that the number of links on the chain can easily be draped around our banister rather than wrapped around the national deficit (just kidding).

I have done a number of things to help make the countdown go faster for me, or, I should say, have tried. I always feel that the home stretch is the part of the deployment that crawls by at a snail's pace. So, I have merged two lurking vices in my life to help get me by: my insatiable need to make lists, and the ever present feeling that I will never have enough time to accomplish the tasks on my said lists. With a list (one thing for each day we have left of deployment), it is a sure bet that I will complain and find that there is really NOT enough time before Trey's arrival to put a check in every item's little "done" box. So, I win either way.

Many components of my list are goals and tasks to get the house back to 'Trey ready' status: get my clothes off his side of the closet, remember the bathroom will need to be shared upon his return so get my crap out of his drawer space, clean out garage, tackle household filing and shredding, stock refrigerator, blah, blah, blah. . .

Nearing the end of my list construction, there was one item I knew I needed to add but literally I started to mist over at the thought; I really really really want my husband back, but I don't want to take my pink satin sheets off our bed. Yes, I bought my pink satin sheets the day that Trey left for deployment. It was something special and symbolic to me of carrying on by myself. An indulgence of pure girlishness. A luxury that comforted me on those nights I fell into bed exhausted and frustrated. No matter how difficult the day, I could look forward to the welcome of my soft pale pink heaven to help make me face another day. I will happily divulge my sheet secret to any other military wife who may ask for a deployment survival tip.

Yet, I know I must say goodbye to my sheets before Trey returns. In a way, I think I may have a hard time sharing them with him, ever. Difficult to put into words, but they are one thing that was just mine during his absence. Is this selfish? Doesn't really matter. Even if I kept them on, I have a funny feeling that Trey would make a, albeit cute and missed, scrunchy face that would permeate, "I love you but I am not that comfortable with my masculinity to sleep on these way too girlie sheets".

So, Item #50: Remove lovely pink sheets from bed. Wash, and store for next deployment.

Seems silly, but they will be missed.

Bye, Bye Diapers!

I never thought I would be a person obsessed with bathroom habits, but motherhood does strange things to a person. In fact, two of the biggest lessons I have learned during motherhood is to never utter anything containing the phrase "I would never. . ." because you will eat your words at some point in your mothering career, and to not loose your cool over potty training.

The latter proves more difficult than one would imagine as most honest mothers would tell you that potty training is topic number one in Whose-a-Better-Mommy competition. (If you totally understand what I am getting at then read Ayelet Waldman- I loved her when she wrote her controversial husband essay, and I love her new book even better.)

I beat my anal retentive self up over the difficulty both my boys had becoming fully potty trained. Let's just say that we had no problem with the #1 department, but my kids had major hoarding issues in the other potty training deposit. I have blamed it all on genetics; Trey is phobic of all germs and perhaps would go around the world wearing a hazmat suit if it was socially acceptable, and I HATE public restrooms. (I hate the word "hate", so this is big!)

In college, I would time my bathroom visits to the wee hours of the morning. I would enter the stall with a cleaning product in hand and only proceed to use the facilities if I was completely sure that I would be 100% alone. I ate nothing but JELLO for two days before I delivered Cole to make sure there was no "code browns" during my labor. In fact, I am pretty sure that Trey still doesn't think I poop. At least this is what I tell myself. Therein lies the issues with my own children's potty issues.

So, today is a momentous day! A turning point in our lives! Freedom! It means Jack can head to school in the fall, that he can go to the Oceanears Club during our Disney Cruise allowing Daddy and Mommy some alone time, and I can completely take the cost of diapers out of the family budget. AND, I can cross one of the 50 some odd goals I had written out to accomplish during deployment. . .only 49 more to go. I always seem to add to that list with little done in the crossing out department. Another topic for another day.


. . .It also means that my single friends can come visit and no longer be horrified to see Jack in a corner with his pants down "creating" wherever he sees fit.

Grosgrain: SHABBY APPLE Marseilles Dress GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!!!!

Grosgrain: SHABBY APPLE Marseilles Dress GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!!!!

When does a mommy of two active boys and one crazy dog get to wear something this beautiful? NEVER! But. . . I can dream.

Craving Mad

The men in white jackets may be coming to lock me up. I am going crazy and have decided to start my own business.

Decided to name the business Craving Mad. I will be selling my Uncle Elbert's famous pickles as "Raid the Ice Box Pickles", and my "Sweet Dreams" organic gourmet marshmallows recipe.

Excited, nervous, and invigorated. Good to have a new project.