Did you know Satan lives at Chuck'e'Cheese's?

Tis the season of birthday parties.

Tonight we had a birthday party to attend which was being held at the scariest place on earth-----Chuck E. Cheese's.

I hate, hate, hate this place. (My mother taught me that you should never use this word when discussing a person or persons, but I think it is okay in this case as we are discussing a giant hip-hop mouse.)

I even hated this place when I was a kid. I got massive stomach cramps when we went there back in the days when I was a curtain climber, and I got stomach cramps tonight as an 'oh-so' worldly adult. I hated that grown adults became the root of evil as they let thier bully kids push in front of the younger ones to get on the rides or monopolize a given game. Of course, goon number one loves this place so he was completely oblivious to the nausea his mother was experiencing.

First off, the entrance into this joint is chained off and manned by some sweaty and not all-there teenager who is stamping the arms of the people that are looking to come in to spend thier hard earned cash on crap. What I find interesting is that the purpose of the stamping is to insure that the children and adults of a said group are all stamped with the same number so that no adult can leave with a child that is not of thier own group (i.e. we are trying to prevent child abduction crimes on the hallowed groud of Mr. Chuck E Cheese).

Well, as one astute parent pointed out to me over a sugary drink that I am sure is spiked with Ritalin, the teenager at the intake point can get a bit confused when the consumers start entering the establishment in droves. She noted that her child was stamped with the number that matched the adult standing in front of her which was not her child's guardian but was a school acquaintance, so she decided not to throw a fit. Good thing because I am sure her logic would have jolted this teenager back into a reality with which he surely couldn't cope.

So, we move on to the interior of hell. It contains an assortment of games and rides that target both children and adults. These games require special mouse/Satan tokens.

We were in luck as I had a number of tokens left over from our last visit two years ago. We had these tokens because the last time we were here we left in a mad panic because the joint had filled up quickly with the kid equivalent of the scum of the earth.

Cole and I had a bag full of tokens and I was determined to use them all so that we did not have any reason to visit this place again. (I learned at the end of our visit that there is no way to shake all the tokens because upon leaving Chuck E. Cheese there is a paid employee whose sole purpose is to place one last token into the hand of our innocent children so they can try and convince thier parents that they have to return to try thier fate.)

Anyway, given my efficient personality (with a tinge of bootlegger/gambling blood in me), I immediately scouted out the games that would give us the most bang (tickets) for our buck (stupid Satan tokens). You see, Chuck E. Cheese's gives thier patrons these precious tickets when you excel at or play a given game. These tickets can be used to buy incredible and momentously fun items (all made in China) from thier store before you exit through the chain monintored by the imbecile. And guess what? It only takes 4,000,000,000,000 tickets to buy a whistle. What a deal?!!!?

I decided the best place for me to covertly use up tokens was the Monopoly game (kind of ironic isn't it...see paragraph two).

Cole decided that he was really into the 'Deal or No Deal' game. (Give me a break!!!...of course Cole loved this game. Numbers, boxes opening to reveal more numbers, and hot chicks in low cut dresses.)

So, we comprimised. Cole played a few games of 'Deal or No Deal' with no real big ticket wins, and then I headed off to Monopoly. Cole could have cared less that I was using tokens out of my seemingly endless bag, so he headed for the play gym that is mounted into the ceiling of the establishment. (I actually imagined one of the many children that were obviously past the age limit for this play gym causing the ceiling to collapse upon the diners below. See...Satan was influencing my thoughts.)

I plugged my token into the game...waited...and pressed the button so the light would stop in the most adventageous spot.

I really didn't care.

Which is why I hit the frickin' jackpot.

Yes, I WON!!! I won big. Tickets, those useless tickets, came pouring out of the machine. I am talking about hundreds of tickets. Why, oh why couldn't I have been at the Beau Rivage!

People stopped and stared. My win enticed other patrons to play this big payoff game. Other mothers stopped and stared while thier children looked on with envy because I was holding a gold mine and the tickets kept coming.

I couldn't wait to show Cole.

Cole jumped out of the gym, looked at me and said:

"Yeah...that's nice. Ummm. Can I go ride the monster truck and then take another turn on the Deal game."

What the ....

Needless to say, we left with a whistle that Cole was not as proud of as I would have liked.

And...did you know...that people actually eat from the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese. I am sorry, but if that isn't proof that Satan lives there than I don't know what it is!!!!