Feeling Down

Yup. Feeling down, sorry for myself, and just plain old tired. It has been a helluva year. Trey was deployed (again)...and I am proud to say that I survived. I forget to pat myself on the back for some of these things. Instead I like to focus on all the help I had and the things that I could have done better. Why so hard on myself? Not sure. Age old question, and one that I plan on tackling real soon.

Is my current mood because we have relocated again? This time to Annapolis, MD. Another move. Another ball of emotions - leaving loved ones and friends behind, and the stress of making new contacts and a support system in our new home community. Honestly seems like the "home" word is really the ultimate thing in question. Am I doing a good enough job of creating a "home", as mobile as it may be, for my kiddos. If I didn't have to worry about the decisions of normal life (which school for kids to go to, where to live, associating and becoming part of our temporary community) over and over again would I spend more or less time on worrying about the bigger things.

And, although Trey is currently physically here and in his dream job which makes him figuratively not "here", I really feel like I am doing it alone making the decisions all the more mine...and with that the feelings of responsibility and guilt.

Feeling so wrong about my decisions to take Cole in for evaluation. We have gone through so many doctors and not a one is definitive about him. Who knew medicine was an art form? I think he just may be a normal 7 year old boy with an attitude and demeanor thrust upon him by his genetic coding. We now know he doesn't have AS (today), now the news is ADHD...I don't know. New pediatrician wants another evaluation. So tired. Tired more for Cole. Really, more testing? Again, no problems ever noted at school. Is this all me? I just want him to be happy and carefree. Hmmmm...??? Carefree might be a stretch...again, because of his genetic make up. Case in point.

I'm tired. I feel like I can't do anything good...maintaining friendships, parenting, partnering.

I need to take a step back and really look at the positive. Focus. Appreciate. Be thankful.

Help.

Oh yes, and it is hardly helpful for my feelings of inadequacy to be surrounded by mothers that home school. Did I miss the boat on this one?