Crabfests - a lesson in nudes and deadmen's fingers

In an earlier post I had mentioned my excitement about heading back home to Virginia Beach and our annual Crabfests at Hondo's Hacienda (that would be my parent's home). My move back home has sparked many memories, and has probably unrealistically idealized many of these memories.

I am not sure when the actual Crabfests started, but I have a vivid memory of when I was seven sitting outside on the porch with family members young and old as the flies buzzed mercilessly around every ones head while we picked, sucked on and savored the special creation that is steamed Chesapeake Bay blue crabs.

Beer or bourbon out of plastic cups for the blueheads, and wine out of the box for the parents (it was the 80's so the whole wine out of a box thing was still a novelty...and one, that I would like to point out, seems to be coming back thanks to Target), bowls of bay seasoning, newspapers piled on picnic tables so high that everyone was covered in black newsprint up to their elbows, bamboo skewers, a smell that lingered for days after the festivities, and ,of course, Uncle Elbert's perverted crab crackers.

These crackers were in the shape of ladies legs so you had to shove a crab claw all the way up to her nether-regions to crack them suckers open - at age 60 he laughed at them at age 70 he loved them. At any age, we all thought it was slightly off color to see an old man sucking the meat off these less than wholesome crab crackers. On Crabfest days, neither the crackers nor his air-conditioned hat(a old straw brimmed sun hat with the top cut off) were far from Uncle Elbert. They were as predictable and oddly comforting as the Crabfest's themselves have come to be.


I would love to know where those things have gone.

As the family has aged, the number of invitees at the annual Crabfest has increased. However not all of our invitees return for the following year because there are some strict rules (and if you don't follow them you will be ridiculed for the entire length of your stay at the crab pickin'):

-YOU MUST PICK YOUR OWN CRAB. You cannot sit next to someone more adept at picking and less afraid of the innards that you only to mooch off their crab bounty.
-You can't park yourself at a table and eat the small amount of meat that has surreptitiously dropped off the end of another picker's skewer.
-You cannot stand over a picker and shout, "This is so gross!" or "EWWWW!".
-You cannot declare that you are a 'claw-man' and like nothing but the claw meat in the hopes that you can do less work to get more yield. You have to eat the entire crab...minus the "mustard".
-You cannot eat your crab meat with tartar sauce or cocktail sauce. These are for wimps and hide the true flavor of the crab.
- You CAN eat hush puppies (or shut-up puppies) with crabs. The more the better.
- You must become familiar with crab lingo: Sallies vs. Jimmies, thumb to forefinger measurement, mustard eaters, deadman's fingers, chicken-necker etc...
- You must get messy and stinky!
- You cannot be my friend if you refuse to pick a crab. PERIOD! THE END!

I know this last statement may come as a shock, but I have invested much time and thought into the declaration. I have come to know myself well enough that if you are too prissy to pick a crab, that most likely you and I won't get along. The only acceptable excuse is an actual allergy to crab or having no fingers.

If you turn up your nose to a smell as natural to the Chesapeake Bay as cheese steaks are to Philly and hot dogs are to Coney Island than you are a sot. It's not to say that we couldn't be good neighbors or acquaintances, but not true friends.

I especially like the girl that unknowingly comes to the Crabfest in their cutest sundress or summer frock and still bellies on up to the picnic table with a claw cracker in one hand and a skewer in the other. These type of pickers will probably be my closest friends...because a true sign of my lady friend is one that can get stinky and messy and still look good while appearing not to give a hoot what they look like or smell like.

....and smell you will...for days after.

AND I LOVE IT!!!!!